Oh, toddler tantrums! These normal occurrences can be pretty tough to handle as parents. We have all been there from kicking and screaming to complete crying meltdowns at our favorite restaurant. So, how do we deal with these meltdowns?
In this article, we will discuss why tantrums happen, how to be ready for them, and what to do in the aftermath. Plus, we will talk about supporting their emotional development and how it can benefit both child and parent.
Jump To Sections:
- Common Causes of Toddler Tantrums
- How to Prevent Tantrums
- Strategies for Handling Tantrums in Progress
- After the Tantrum
- When to Seek Professional Help
- Common Myths About Toddler Tantrums
- Our Take
- Sources and Further Reading
Common Causes of Toddler Tantrums
Toddlers are going through a lot. When I say “a lot”, I truly mean it. From physical growth pains to emotional regulation (or the lack of it) and sensorimotor development, they have a lot on their plate.
When we, as adults, get angry or frustrated we may clench our fists, say some choice words, or do a ton of different, manageable actions. Toddlers do not have this regulation skill developed yet. Enter the tantrums.
Tantrums are a way for them to express all of the feelings they are feeling due to a certain action or absence of action taking place. This can be because they can not figure something out. It could also be due to them not getting their way and not understanding why.
Here are 5 pretty common reasons for toddler tantrums:
Frustration
This one is probably the most common since it is an overarching problem. Frustration is a part of all the others on this list as well.
Frustration can come up due to a plethora of different things. It does not have to be anything specific either. It can be simple. For example, waiting 10 seconds on Netflix for her next episode of Bluey to come on makes my daughter upset. Simple to use, but horrible for toddlers. All because they simply do not know any better and have little to no control over their emotions.
Hunger or Tiredness
Look, you know exactly where I am going with this one. Adults are guilty of this too.
Being hungry or tired are both unpleasant. Think of it like this though. Adults at least know that they are hungry or tired and we still get frustrated and upset. Toddlers do not know why they are upset. They may have no clue that they are tired or hungry because they just don’t understand those feelings. How frustrating would that make you?
Attention Seeking
When our daughter wants us, she will come p to either one of our legs and hug them or simply put her hands up. If we do not pick her up or give her attention she will get it in different ways, all of which are bad.
Toddlers need our attention. Maybe not 100% of the time, but for a majority of it they need us. Being loved is something we all, on some level, want. Is it so inexplicable to think that toddlers want their parent’s love and affection?
Overstimulation
The environment around them has a lot to do with their emotions as well. For the same reason calming music soothes them, a noisy and chaotic environment can overstimulate them.
It can be hard for them to concentrate on tasks when there are only a few things around them. If there are too many, it can be extremely difficult for them to process. This can lead to anxiety and confusion and, you guessed it, a tantrum.
Testing Boundaries
Toddlers are curious and they may just throw a tantrum to see how you react and what you do.
How to Prevent Tantrums
Wouldn’t it be great if we could just avoid tantrums altogether? While it is impossible to prevent every meltdown, these simple things can help reduce them significantly:
Keep a Routine
Predictability helps keep feel secure, less anxious, and less stressed. A research study done by the AAP showed that 7 out of 10 children (ages 1-4) were much happier and healthy when a schedule was maintained. That is not to say that a schedule will eliminate all the problems, but it is a great start.
Try to stick to a regular meal, nap, and bedtime schedule as much as possible. Small variations are okay, but major changes can cause issues for your toddler.
Offer Choices
When possible, give your toddler the ability to choose. Keep it simple though. For example, letting them pick a blue or red shirt when they get dressed is a perfect idea.
Giving this ability helps them grow their mental development and it also shows them that you trust them. This small act can help calm them in the long run since they may feel more in control.
Provide Emotional Support
Help facilitate emotional development in your child. Show them that expressing their emotions and feelings is perfectly normal. Teach your child coping skills, such as breathing when stressed or using a calming phrase that they respond well to.
Foster a Healthy Environment
Ensuring that your child has all the necessary things to play, socially interact, and rest, are all crucial steps for a healthy environment.
If an environment is stressful or not what they want/need, this can lead to anxiety and confusion. Those things will most likely lead to tantrums. Help them express their needs for physical and mental development.
Strategies for Handling Tantrums in Progress
Sometimes toddler tantrums are completely unavoidable. When they do arise parents must stay cool, calm, and collected. Here’s how you can manage the situation:
Stay Calm
Parents need to be seen by their children as calm examples. Children look to us for guidance. Approaching the situation stressed out can escalate their frustration even more. Model a composed demeanor.
Validate Feelings
When speaking to toddlers, it is important to be very literal. This goes for validating their feelings as well. Speak to them calmly and let them know that you understand why they are upset.
For example, you can say “I know you are upset because you can not have that toy.”
When children realize that we understand them it can calm the, build a bond, and solidify trust.
Redirect Attention
Most of the time, children can get so wrapped up and focused on one thing. When that thing fails them or they are not able to interact with it in the manner they thought they could, they lose it. If you don’t take anything else away from this, remember this: “Frustration is the leading cause of tantrums”.
We can help calm them by shifting their focus and redirecting their attention to something else. This can be a toy, a TV show, or even a conversation with you. Anything that takes their mind off of the origin of the tantrum is a perfect candidate.
Offer Comfort
Even though toddlers may seem super complex most of the time, sometimes they are pretty simple. If they are sad or frustrated they may just need a good bear hug from mom or dad. This gentle touch can soothe them and quickly make them feel secure. It is hard to feel frustrated when you are so happy!
Set Boundaries
Be firm but empathetic. Let them know you understand why they are acting the way they are. That is the compassionate part. You must also let them know that certain actions are not okay. That is the firm part. It takes a good balance of these two to make them understand that you are coming from a loving place.
Related Article: Parenting Styles Explained
After the Tantrum
When the tantrum finally dissipates, it is important to interact with your child. Here are some key things to do after the fact:
Discuss Emotions
This entire post is necessary because children know very little about their emotions. Much less, how to control them. That is why we must make it a topic of discussion frequently.
Let them know that their emotions are valid and perfectly okay to express. Help them understand what emotions mean and why they occur. Try to help them understand what causes certain emotions and how they can let you know how they feel more efficiently.
I know you may be thinking that this is impossible with toddlers. However, having a toddler has taught me that we do not give them enough credit sometimes. They are way smarter and learn faster than you may think.
Reinforce Positive Behavior
When your child does self-regulate their emotions applaud them and let them know that was a great thing. When they remain calm after something happens that normally would have caused an outburst, reinforce that too.
This helps reinforce your discussions on emotions. Helping them understand when they are doing a good job and improving is a must.
Reflect on Triggers
When your child does have an outburst, be sure to note what caused it. Knowing what sets them off is a great tool in helping them get better at certain aspects of development. If you notice it is due to a toy that they can’t figure out, spend time with them playing. Help them understand the toy and how it is solved. This can alleviate an outburst for that same reason in the future.
Adjust Your Approach
I have said it a hundred times and will continue to say: “every child is unique”. If a strategy that worked with your first child isn’t working with your second, you may need to switch it up. If your approach is not successful that is okay, but be honest with yourself and adjust.
When to Seek Professional Help
Unfortunately, at some point tantrums may be too frequent or chaotic for parents to help by themselves. It is important to be aware of this and know your limits as a parent. If you feel that your child is having more than just simple toddler tantrums, it may be time to seek the help of a professional. Here are some things to look out for:
Persistent and Uncontrollable
If your little one’s tantrums are happening too often, last too long, or seem unusually intense, it might be time to consult a pediatrician or child psychologist. The key here is safety and development. If you feel that their development is not progressing at all or their tantrums raise safety concerns for themselves, a doctor can help.
Regression in Development
If your child not only stops progressing but regresses, consulting a professional is highly recommended. This can be most evidenced in skill loss. If they were able to accomplish certain tasks and now seem to have lost that ability, this will cause them stress. This could be the cause of frequent tantrums.
Signs of Anxiety or Other Issues
If your child displays excessive worry, has difficulty separating from you, or exhibits other concerning behaviors, it’s essential to seek guidance from an expert.
Only you know your child well enough to make these decisions. It is important to reach out when you think they need it. This should not be an embarrassing or anxious decision either. Your child’s development and growth are the priority. Doing what is best for them should never be met with judgment.
Common Myths About Toddler Tantrums
I love doing sections that discuss parenting and child development myths. A lot of the time social media or even family and friends pass along information that is just simply not true. Sometimes the research done on these myths finds out that the very opposite is true.
I looked at common myths regarding toddlers and tantrums and found tons of reports from pediatricians and certified pediatric phycologists that prove them false. Here are a few of the ones I think are most common:
Myth: Giving in to tantrums spoils the child.
Reality: It’s important to strike a balance between setting boundaries and providing comfort. Sometimes, meeting a child’s needs during a tantrum can help them feel heard and understood.
Myth: Ignoring tantrums is always the best approach.
Reality: While ignoring attention-seeking tantrums might be effective, it’s essential to consider the context and the child’s needs. In some situations, offering comfort or addressing an unmet need may be more appropriate.
Myth: Tantrums are a sign of poor parenting.
Reality: All toddlers have tantrums! It’s a natural part of their emotional development. How you handle these outbursts matters more than the fact they’re happening.
Myth: All tantrums are manipulative.
Reality: While some tantrums may be attention-seeking, many stem from genuine frustration or an inability to express emotions. Understanding the underlying cause can help you respond more effectively.
Myth: Toddlers that throw excessive tantrums are just bad kids.
Toddlers are complex and go through a lot of inner changes. Tantrums stem from frustration and stress. ALL TODDLERS DEAL WITH THIS. If you have a child that has tantrums a lot and gets frustrated, it does not mean they are a bad kid. It just means they are just that, a kid. They are still learning to handle the massive amounts of emotions they are feeling. Be patient.
Our Take
Toddlers can be a lot to handle. It is hard to be in tune with their moods, actions, and feelings when they do not know either. They are quite a challenge. However, they are such a blessing. Getting to watch them learn and figure things out is something incredible. Unfortunately, that includes tantrums.
Tantrums are their way of figuring out their emotions, things they like and dislike, and understanding how to treat others and things around them. It is our job to be that guiding hand and voice of reason. It is also our job to teach them and be an example of proper emotions.
I hope that this article helps you understand tantrums and how to deal with them. If you already knew everything in this article, I hope you found it good enough to share with someone who needs it.
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Related Article on DADVERSE
If you would like to learn more about how to support your child’s emotional development, please check out our article on Emotional Intelligence. In this article, we discuss what emotional development looks like and how we can foster an environment for them to excel.
Sources and Further Reading
American Academy of Pediatrics (2018). “Disciplining Your Child.” HealthyChildren.org. Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx
Zero to Three (2016). “Managing Strong Emotional Reactions: Tips for Responding to Your Child’s Meltdown.” ZeroToThree.org. Retrieved from https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/87-managing-strong-emotional-reactions-tips-for-responding-to-your-child-s-meltdown
Harvard Graduate School of Education (2019). “How to Help Your Child Manage Emotions.” Usable Knowledge. Retrieved from https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/19/10/how-help-your-child-manage-emotions
Greenfield, R. (2020). “10 Ways to Tame Your Kid’s Tantrums.” Parents.com. Retrieved from https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/tantrum/tame-your-kids-tantrums/
Briggs-Gowan, M. J., Carter, A. S., & Schwab-Stone, M. (1996). “Disposition and expressivity in children: Relations with temperament and parenting styles.” Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 20(2). Retrieved from https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF02281954
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2021). “Essentials for Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers.” CDC.gov. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/index.html
Carr, A. (2017). “Parenting Tips for Preventing and Managing Toddler Tantrums.” Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cbt-and-me/201703/parenting-tips-preventing-and-managing-toddler-tantrums
Karp, H. (2015). “The Science of Toddler Tantrums.” Happiest Baby. Retrieved from https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/toddler/toddler-tantrums
National Association for the Education of Young Children (2021). “Understanding and Responding to Children Who Bite.” NAEYC.org. Retrieved from https://www.naeyc.org/resources/blog/understanding-and-responding-children-who
