The hashtag #weaponizedincompetence has garnered over 80 million views on social media sites like TikTok and Twitter and is a hot topic of conversation for families. No matter your relationship status—whether single, married or a parent—you may have witnessed this phenomenon or perhaps engaged in it without realizing what it was. Weaponized incompetence, which is not always deliberate, has a substantial negative impact on the quality of the family unit.
It goes a little something like this: You are constantly putting the kids to bed because your partner “never has any luck”, and you are always doing the dishes due to your partner “never getting them clean enough”. This can also be never helping children with homework since they know nothing about the subject. All of these are negative for a family and can be detrimental to trust and bonding in relationships.
In this article, we will discuss weaponized incompetence, what it looks like in marriage and parenting, and how to address and overcome it.
Jump to Sections:
- What is Weaponized Incompetence
- 10 Signs of Weaponized Incompetence
- Reasons It Arises
- Impacts on Family
- Addressing Weaponized Incompetence
- Our Take
- Sources & Further Reading
What is Weaponized Incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence is when a person acts as though they are not good enough to complete a task that they are more than capable of completing. The primary reason is the removal of accountability and ownership of the task.
It can also be called: manipulative incompetence, strategic incompetence, toxic incompetence, or deceptive incompetence.
They may do this to shift blame or responsibility onto their significant other or those they spend most of their time with. By doing this consistently, their partner will likely begin to do that task without question, knowing that they will not do it. This can cause added stress and a lack of trust as they are seen more as dependent and not as a partner. Dating, marriages, and parenting are all areas where weaponized incompetence can be an unwanted addition.
10 Signs of Weaponized Incompetence
Here are some examples of what Weaponized Incompetence may look like in relationships, marriage, and even parenting.
1. Excuse Making
People who continually find reasons to put off doing chores around the house or with the kids may be unfairly burdening their partner. They might use their jobs, socializing with friends, or other responsibilities as an excuse to put off helping, leaving their partner to do the majority of the work.
2. Refusal to Learn
When there is an ability to learn a task, and I mean simple ones such as washing clothes or doing the dishes, but there is not an urgency to learn – that is a problem. Overly incompetent people put a massive strain on their partners by forcing them to do most of the workload. This is where the dependent over partner thing comes into play as I mentioned earlier.
3. Confusion and Forgetfulness
Individuals may pretend to forget being taught or discussing the need to do certain things around the house. For example, someone has been shown multiple times how to correctly fold laundry but insists that they never were or can not remember how to. This is (1) frustrating for the person teaching and doing most of the workload and (2) solidifies that the person doing the forgetting is using it to their advantage.
4. Blaming Others
A toxic dynamic can develop in a relationship when one partner refuses to take responsibility for their mistakes and instead places the blame on others. The other person might be persistently defensive to avoid taking responsibility for something that wasn’t their fault.
5. Deliberate Inefficiency
When very simple household tasks take an outrageous amount of time, this is probably a sign that the person does not care. They may not feel that they have to, because their partner typically picks up the slack. This is usually done to take advantage of. It is laziness at its core.
6. Ignoring Requests
Individuals who ignore their partner’s requests or instructions and then pretend to be unaware when called out on their behavior can be extremely frustrating. This type of behavior can create an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship by making the other person feel as if their requests are being ignored or dismissed.
7. Downplay Contributions
Someone who consistently belittles or minimizes the efforts of their partner may be doing so to avoid taking on their fair share of responsibilities. This behavior can be discouraging and demoralizing for the other person, who may feel like their contributions are not valued or appreciated.
8. Deflecting Criticism
Someone who uses laughing, jokes, or sarcasm to deflect criticism for poor performance can be frustrating for their partner. This behavior can make it feel like their concerns are not being taken to heart.
9. Refusal to Seek Help
A refusal to seek help can be seen as two things when it comes to incompetence. One, the person wants to frustrate their partner to have them complete the task alone. Two, they may have some underlying self-wroth issues that need to be addressed. We will get into that later.
10. Selfish Priorities
Finally, although it may not be direct weaponized incompetence, but rather just plain selfishness, this one is worth addressing. Placing a toxic focus on their priorities, these individuals are not able to assist their partners with day-to-day tasks and chores. While it may not be deliberate, it will most likely be taken that way. A culmination of a few other signs n this list (such as inefficiency and excuses) allows them the tie they want to focus on themselves. They could be using weaponized incompetence to better suit their needs.
Related Article: Parenting Styles Explained
Reasons It Arises
As I just mentioned sometimes an individual may not know that they are being aggressively incompetent or they may know that it helps them gain free time or alone time.
Primary reasons it may arise could be:
Unresolved Dependency
They may be acting out in this manner because, at the root of the problem, they do not know any other way. They may be used or being waited on “hand and foot” and are not accustomed to having to do chores or pull their weight.
Unaware They Are Doing It
Although it is hard to believe, because it seems so malicious, some people may not be doing it on purpose. While, I think that if you notice more than a few signs from the list I just gave, it seems pretty purposeful. However, I will give people the benefit of the doubt on this one. Each situation is different and each relationship has its ways of being handled.
It is important on this one if you do believe it is being done innocently, to be open with communication. Be honest with one another. Set goals and boundaries. If this is the case, it is most likely the easiest to be remedied.
Laziness
This may be the most common. We all want to be lazy sometimes (if you don’t…teach me your ways). It happens to all of us at some point or another, where we don’t feel like doing anything. Everyone gets to play the “lazy card” now and then.
The problem lies in the constant laziness and a noticeable pattern of never doing anything around the house or for the other person. I would say this one is the second easiest one to correct. Some people just need a good wake up call and a heart-to-heart conversation.
There may be other problems under the surface. Why are they (or you) so lazy? Is it stress or unfulfillment? These things can be talked about openly and honestly. I am fortunate to be in a relationship where there is an open line of communication. If there isn’t, reach out to a friend or seek a doctor’s recommendation.
Being open and honest is the first big step. Communication is key.
Impacts on Family
Although missing out on chores may not immediately seem like an issue that could be detrimental to the family unit, it can.
Lack of Trust
Weaponized incompetence can cause a lack of trust in a relationship in a few ways. When one partner consistently demonstrates incompetence in a certain area, the other partner may start to lose faith in their ability to handle tasks related to that area. This can lead to feelings of frustration and disappointment and may make the other partner hesitant to rely on them in the future.
Additionally, if the incompetent partner is aware of their shortcomings but refuses to take action to address them, the other partner may feel like they are not taking the relationship seriously or not willing to put in the necessary effort to make it work. This can erode the trust that is essential for any healthy relationship.
When one partner feels like they cannot trust the other to follow through or take care of responsibilities, it can create tension and strain in the relationship, making it difficult to build a strong and lasting connection.
Overworked Partner
Consistently demonstrating incompetence in a certain area can cause your partner to feel like they have to take on more responsibilities than they should to compensate. This can lead to your partner feeling overworked, stressed, and exhausted.
If you’re not pulling your weight in the relationship and refusing to learn or improve, it can leave your partner feeling like they have to do everything themselves, which can create an imbalance in the relationship. Over time, this can cause resentment and frustration and can lead to a breakdown in communication and intimacy.
It’s important to recognize that your partner is not your parent or your caregiver, and it’s not their job to take care of everything for you. Taking responsibility for your areas of weakness and learning to contribute more fully to the relationship can help ease the burden on your partner and build a stronger, more equal partnership.
Lack of Bonding with Children
If you spend most of your time away from your kids due to being incompetent or not involved, odds are they may not confide in you much. They may not feel wanted or valued by you and will most likely distance themselves. Putting your priorities above their own may leave them wondering what they did to warrant such an attitude toward them.
This will only get worse as they get older and begin to face more complex situations. Situations they may have confided in you about or asked you questions on may go not be talked about.
Related Article: 11 Tips for New Dads
Addressing Weaponized Incompetence
Open Communication
Having that uncomfortable conversation with your partner can help resolve any issues you are having. This goes for things well beyond weaponized incompetence. Identify the problem, speak gently and without malice, and get the point across. Dealing with these issues early can also keep resentment and defensive reactions at bay.
Set Boundaries
When a moment of disregard for responsibility or accountability for actions arises, having set boundaries can help with saying, “no”. Having pre-discussed boundaries with tasks, chores, conversations, and any other areas that contain conflict can be difficult. Knowing that they are necessary and can benefit the relationship can make it a little easier.
Be Honest With Your Partner
The key to communication is being honest. When something they are doing is bothering you or causing added stress, having that heart-to-heart is necessary. It can be easy to communicate, but it is more important than that line of communication displays the true feelings and emotions that are going on. Sometimes “holding back” can seem like a beneficial tactic, but it can quickly lead to resentment, a lack of trust, and tons of other issues.
Seek Professional Help
This can be in the form of a licensed physiatrist or a marriage counselor. Sometimes conversations between you and your partner may not be progressing as you want. You may also feel that you are not heard or taken seriously. Having that professional opinion or conversation guide can greatly benefit your family. Looking on the internet or through friends and family for a local counselor may be a good start!
Our Take
Weaponized incompetence may be a coined phrase on social media and something we perceive as a “new thing”, but many relationships, marriages, and families deal with it every day. They have been for a while. It is important to realize that a new trend, like weaponized incompetence, is not just a popular term. It is something that hurts tons of people and needs to be addressed and taken care of.
As a parent, it is hard to imagine that my daughter could ever feel that she can not come to me. I know that it happens and sometimes it is of no fault to the parent, but I want to make sure that I am doing everything to make her feel as though she can speak to me.
As a husband, making my wife feel that she is overworked, overstressed, and underappreciated should never happen. That is why it is important to have those open and honest lines of communication.
Sources & Further Reading
Morgan Jr, J. P. (1991, September). What is codependency?. Journal of clinical psychology, 47(5), 720–729
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/1097-4679(199109)47:5%3C720::AID-JCLP2270470515%3E3.0.CO;2-5/full
Seltzer, L. F. Codependent or simply dependent: What’s the big difference? (2014, December 11)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201412/codependent-or-simply-dependent-what-s-the-big-difference
Birditt, Kira S et al. “The development of marital tension: Implications for divorce among married couples.” Developmental psychology vol. 53,10 (2017): 1995-2006. doi:10.1037/dev0000379
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5644348/#:~:text=Marital%20tension%20includes%20negative%20emotions,is%20defined%20as%20overt%20arguments
