Why Am I Not Bonding With My Newborn

We surveyed 23 dads and found a massive divide in how they felt about their first interaction with their newborn. While some felt an almost instant connection and bond, most stated that they felt little to no connection with their child. After looking into a few research studies from various universities and hospitals, we understand now why this is often the case.

Mothers do all of the work during pregnancy and your baby will feel a natural bonding with them just based on that alone. They have been hearing their mother’s voice for a few weeks, and their mother has been protecting and feeding them, so it is not a shock that this bond takes place. Fathers on the other hand have not had that time. So, right off the bat, fathers feel the sense of being an outsider as soon as the baby is born.

“When my son was born it was really hard to tell my wife that I felt out of place. Seeing him with her and not feeling like I was a dad was the strangest and saddest moment of my life. When I found out that a lot of men struggle with this…I was mind blown.” – Joshua, father of one

Many fathers will feel a need to provide for and protect their baby and their spouse at the time of birth. This is a largely biological and natural response to the entire process. Studies have shown that a mother’s oxytocin levels increase dramatically during pregnancy and birth, which assists in securing that bond, while a father’s levels only surge once they have spent ample time caring for their child. This ties back to the need to provide and protect. Unfortunately, while this feeling is taking place the need to bond with your child or feel any sort of connection with them can be put on the back burner. This isn’t a fault of the father, but something to be aware of as it could be your experience. If you notice that your focus is all about having enough money, making sure the house is ready for your baby, or anything else along those lines, it may be a good idea to take a deep breath and spend that time with your spouse and newborn.

Recent research has also found that many fathers who are struggling with this bond rarely reach out about it. This could be the scarcity of outlets for fathers and the lack of community locally and online. That very reason was why we started DADVERSE in the first place. While the amount of outlets for men and fathers is growing, we still feel that it is not enough. Men who can discuss these issues with other dads have seen a significant amount of progression with bonding and other family-related issues. Knowing that you are not alone and that your feelings are valid is always a great way to help your state of mind. This leads many researchers to believe that another major factor in father-baby bond issues is stress.

“I am so glad that there are resources now for dads. When I had my daughters 20 years ago, there was such a different expectation for dads. I always felt like I wasn’t allowed to be sad or worried. Glad that is changing” – Matt, father of 3 girls

Being aware of stress and learning how to mitigate it is a great way to ensure that the time spent with your child is quality time. We consider quality time a time where you are completely engaged with your child and have all other distractions (i.e. work, school, etc.) on standby. Your newborn is going through a rough transition (pregnancy to birth is no joke), so giving them a stress-free environment to bond with you in can help produce greater results.

There are some great methods to try to help increase that bond with your newborn. One that we tried and are still using is the Kangaroo Care Method. We highly recommend this skin-to-skin contact method as it helps make your newborn feel secure and benefits their development. Everyone’s experience is different, but we do encourage trying it out. Read our article on the Kangaroo Care Method, here.